unt0ld_s3crets

If you dont like getting hurt then please dont stay...

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 06:39:26 GMT

It was my fault really. It never should have gone as far as it did..I never should have let myself fall. But I did and now all that's left to do is smack my face off the pavement and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart...again. Im getting pretty damn good at it actually. I learned to expect it. Doesnt make it hurt any less or anything though. I knew this would happen, I did, I just didnt know I would get so attached so quick and it hurts. Im honestly thinking this is how its meant to be. Im meant to be alone. And Im strangely okay with it...is that normal? All I have ever known is hurt and unhappiness. I guess I just thought maybe this time it would be...different. I dont know just something about him made me think he was different. I just get too damn attached! And I know this sounds crazy, I do, but I want to sleep with him. And it seems like Im using him, but Im so not, it just seems like thats what he wants from me and if its what he wants, I'll give it up. All I care about is his happiness, nothing else fuckin matters! And I have always said when I have sex, I want it to be with someone I know I'll never see again. He's leaving soon and I know I wont see him again for a long ass time...I just...I want it over with. And if thats all he wants...that's all he'll get. My heart and my feelings are no longer important. And no this isnt all about him, he did nothing wrong. Its been a long time coming and Im just...I dont know. I dont believe in love...true love doesnt exist as far as Im concerned and Im sick of trying to force myself into believeing its real. Everytime I think it may be...something bad happens. Im done with that part of my life...Im just done. The numbness is...comforting. I dont want to feel anymore...

I've noticed I seem to blame a lot of this on my previous...expieriences. Like CJ...I blame a lot on him. Im so scared to get involved with anyone. He scared me so bad. I never want a guy who hits me or cheats on me, I hate that. But the sad part...I still miss him. I dont know why but sometimes I think I was better off with him. Like I was getting what I deserved. I know it sounds rediculous but...I dont know. And I used Shane as an excuse so many times. Like losing him was just a good excuse to put up that wall in my heart so I wouldnt get hurt again. And it was working perfectly...until Scott. And according to some people...I fucked up there. I should have kept that wall up according to them. I just dont know anymore

I also find myself pushing people away more and more. Like Im trying to protect them from me. I dont want to hurt anyone else...gah I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 05:15:44 GMT

I hate work! I smell like bleach right now hardcore because I had to clean all the damn cutting boards in the deli. It was stupid, I carried those huge ass things all the way over to the sink and scrubbed them with bleach and comet and they still looked the same! It was pointless if u ask me but whatever. And then they had me go run register with Joyce...now that was stupid, I mean I love Joyce, but I smelled like bleach, they should have had me run first and then go to the deli, but Craig is a moron and can't figure that out! Ugh that man pisses me off!

I have to go to the cartiologist tomorrow. What fun! I so dont want to go! I just want to stay home and sleep! Damn doctors!

Wow...I think this is the first time in my life that I dont have a crush...I dont think I like it lol. I need to find a guy worthy of my crushes haha! Actually honestly...I dont care anymore. I dont want the commitment of a relationship, I just dont like it. It bothers me. I honestly dont care if I ever have another boyfriend, after all that shit CJ put me through...I dont want another one for awhile. BUT...I do want lose my virginity soon, I mean I dont want to have sex, but I also think its pretty rediculious that Im still a virgin. I was supopsed to lose it on my 18th birthday...but then me and CJ broke up so I didnt and then prom night it was gonna happen cuz I was gonna go to his house and all, but I forgot haha! So I just need a guy who just needs wants to fuck, I dont want a relationship or any of that shit...all I want is a one-night stand. Wow that kinda makes me sound like a whore haha but I dont care lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you believe in forever? I dont even believe in tomorrow...the only thing that lasts forever are memories and sorrow

Life doesnt hurt until you realize how much things have changed...and who you've lost and how much of it was your fault

If I was drop dead gorgeous and perfect and could have any guy in the world...Id still pick you <3

Id rather chew on broken glass than live in the past and waste time on words I know you didnt mean

Yeah...I miss you...but I dont miss the way you treated me

Just once Id like to fall in love and not have it hurt in the end

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I dont want to go home right now...

Tonight is a wonderful night to die..

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 15:45:21 GMT

Ugh I officially hate my life. Seriously...Im thinkin about just fuckin some random guy so CJ will come kill me and just get it over with. Im so sick of everything. All I ever do is work, I mean yeah its nice cuz I have money now but when do I have time to do anything with it?! I just want one night where I can be free from all of this...Im just sick of this shit! Every time I turn around someone is asking me about CJ and everytime they do the more and more depressed I get. I just...I want it back, I dont want him back...just the feelings. He left me numb...I dont think I'll ever feel like that again, no matter how much I want to...I wont let myself. I dont know what I want anymore. I cant get close to anyone, I told him shit I couldnt even tell my friends and he broke my heart. I mean I knew it was coming but he didnt have to say all that shit to me. I wish he just said he cheated on me and ended it there...cuz I know he's right. I honestly dont figure I'll be around much longer, Im just so tired of living with all this. Im sick of all the regrets and all the pain. Part of me wants another relationship, but everytime I start to open up to a guy I think back to everything CJ said and did and I get scared and back down. Another part of me just wants someone there not to date but just to have as a friend and just like make out and fuck and thats all, ya know no emotions involved...that would be so much easier. And another part just wants to give up all together. And Im not saying this is his fault, because he saved me once, if it wasnt for him I know for a fact that I would be dead right now, there's no doubt in my mind. I just dont see the point anymore, now that he's gone and I hate him and all, I just dont want to live with the constant reminder that he is the best I can do. He's the only guy that's my type that ever even remotely gave me the time of day and I guess he's right, I will never find anyone else because there is no one else. Im sick of dealing with it, Im tired of being here and I just want to die...more than I did before...I dunno, I dont think this will pass like the last time, I have no one left to save me...

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 04:01:22 GMT

Wow I havent updated this in awhile, but I really needed to talk to someone and since no one is there...I'm gonna try this.
For like the past 3 days all Ive done is cry. Lately it's just been like I just want to curl up and die. Yesterday was the 4 month anniversary of me and CJ breaking up. That was hard, I dont know why but it seemed harder than all the other months...all I thought about was the last thing he said to me. He told me Id never find anyone else because there was no one else, and honestly..Im starting to think he's right. I mean I realize that it's only been 4 months, but the more I think about it the more scared I am of it. Dont get me wrong Id love to have another boyfriend, but I dont want to get hurt again. I mean I dont want the perfect relationship and all, I just want a guy who wont cheat on me. Cheating on me was the worst possible thing CJ could ever have done to me, and he did it. I dont know if I can ever trust another guy as much as I trusted him. Im scared to let anyone get close to me, there's so much I have bottled up and I cant tell anyone because I dont want to let it all out and then end up having it all thrown in my face. Maybe CJ was right maybe I do deserve to be alone and die old and alone. Maybe he was right about everything, maybe I will be alone forever...
Im just so depressed. I seriously have been thinking about just ending it all...no one would notice and then maybe...just maybe Id be happy again...
Gah I just hate this shit!! I want to prove him wrong so bad! But I can't, I have no one and I have no one who wants me or anything! Ugh what's wrong with me?!

I dont want another heartbreak I dont need another turn to cry...

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:26:22 GMT

Well I was talkin to CJ the other day and me and him got into an arguement about me going to prom. He seems to think I should go because it's my senior year and if I dont I'll regret it later. Well I dont have the money to go and even if I did...I hate 95% of the people in that school and I can think of so many other things to do on a Saturday than go hang out with people I dont like. But he told me I should go and so have a lot of other people...I just dont want too...I might have if he still was in school and could go with me, but I dont wanna go alone and I dont do dances anyway...ugh!

And then! He was sayin he was gonna find a new girlfriend that he could see and that called him and all. And I know he was just kidding cuz he said he was but I dunno. It still kinda hurt...I love him so much and I dont wanna lose him. And I try so hard to be allowed to see him, but my dad is an asshole. If I could I would see him everyday, but I cant! No matter how much I want to I cant n that kills me! I mean I havent seen him since January, I miss him so much! I mean I'd love to have a boyfriend that I could see whenever I wanted, but that would mean not being with CJ and I wanna be with him lol.

But he wants to take me to California next summer lol. Im so gonna die lol. He was like yah we'll get plane tickets and...n im like whoa no plane there baby Courtney dont do planes n hes like then we'll drive but thats a long drive n Im like well I'll just stay home n u can tell me all about it n hes like nah u'll get on a plane if it crashes we'll die together n Im like awwww I'll die b4 I get on the plane tho n hes like nah I'll drug ya n then drag ya on the plane they'll be like she okay n I'll be like yes shes okay now hurry b4 she wakes up! lmao I was like nice I love you too lmao! And he was tellin me he was gonna show me all of Cali n he said he was gonna show me the ghetto n Im like nice so I can get shot n hes like nah just dont wave to em n I was like I'll be the one walkin by makin small talk n smilein n all n then I'll die n hes like nah dont do that cuz then Id have to try to kick some ass and they'd kill me too and I dont wanna die so you cant die.

He's so sweet, no one gets why I like him so much. It's just the lil things that make me smile and he knows how to make me smile when no one else can. And he always calls when I need him...well with the exception of a few times, but he's not psychic or anything lol. I'm really gonna miss that when we break up and I know its gonna happen, he cant stay with me forever and never see me, no matter how much I love him and wanna be with him, I dont blame him for not wanting to wait forever.

I wish I knew why all my friends hate him so much. He's got some problems, but who doesnt?!

Whoa this is a long ass entry!

I dont know what recumbent is but it looks like a good mood cuz I dont know what mood Im in n Im sure theres a mood for that but I dont care =P lol

"I dont need a bed of roses cuz roses wither away, All I really need is honesty and someone with a strong heart, a gental hand to take me as I am"

You remind me of the times when I knew who I was...

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 19:24:29 GMT

Ugh I fucking hate this place! I'm not a little kid, I can take care of myself! I dont need them to fucking protect me from everything, if they shelter me when I leave I'm gonna be so lost. I dont need protection, I need freedom, I need to expierence stuff that is "bad for me". I swear the day I graduate, Im gone, Id rather live on the fucking streets than stay here any longer. If I have kids, they arent gonna know their "grandfather" ever, they'll think he's dead cuz they sure as fuck arent gonna meet his ass. When Im gone, Im cutting off all communication with him, I'll talk to mom n all, but never him. I hate him so much, and everyone wonders why I cut and why I cant stand to be here when hes here. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could write more, but I dont feel like it

<3333333333
Courtney

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 01:25:30 GMT

Well my Valentine's Day sucked! I gave "Walter" the shit to give CJ and CJ called me n was all like I loved my gift! So0o0o that was good. He wanted to go to the movies with me since this is his only day off this week, but my mom said I couldn't go cuz Im sick. I was like wtf?! Im unsick enof to go to skool but not to the movies! And its a good thing I didnt go cuz my dad got home early n he woulda flipped! But I was talkin to my dad n I was like y dont u like CJ n hes like cuz hes a druggie n Im like so n hes like so I didnt say I dont like him, I said u werent dating him n Im like but the sooner u let me see him the sooner u get to stop hearing me complain about it n hes like I'll think about it. Thats usually a good sign, usually I'll think about it means yes with my dad. But CJ is still not allowed here, but at least Im allowed to see him...well almost haha! But Im thinkin CJ is mad at me cuz Im sick, I was on the phone with him n he told me to play hookie tomorrow but I cant cuz I have placements or I would cuz no one would be here ;) lmao! But Pam said that he was bein a bad influence on me and that I wasnt allowed to play hookie n hes like shes a good girl she wouldnt do that shit anyways and Pam was like smart girl haha! But I totally wish I wasnt sick cuz I wanna see him so0o0o0o bad, I miss him like whoa! But hopefully by his next day off I will feel better and we can go out!! I hope so!

I got 2 roses today!! I got one from Mrs. Law and one from Mrs. Martin, I got one for CJ too. But I got him a pink one right well it kinda died, so I gave him a yellow one cuz Mrs. Law and Mrs. Martin gave me yellow ones. But I gave everyone I loved a pink rose petal...well not everyone but the people on the bus that I love lol. Well actually only...Cassie, Jamie, Trinna, Flanny, Paula, and "Walter"...and Cecil (not CJ the lil kid on the bus' name is Cecil its madness!) And I got Valentines from...Shayna, Shaila, Sean, Amanda, Amber and Amber. And my daddy got me these cute froggies...ones a boy n ones a girl they r like connected n they r holdin a heart that says Love ya! I saw it at Wal-Mart the other day n I fell in love with it n he got it for me!! I named the froggies CJ and Courtney lmao!

Aiight well I feel like shit, so Im gonna like lay down or somethin!

<333333333333333
Courtney

I X3 CJ!

I'll put my head in the noose!

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 06:07:23 GMT

I havent wrote in here in 4ever, so I figured why not, I'll update lol.

Hmmm ... I talked to CJ the other night n he said that when I graduate that me and him were moving to California because his mom is moving here and he gets the house if he wants it. He said we were gonna get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Honestly, Im not ready for that shit, we've been together for a little over 3 months and he's ready to settle down already?! I mean yah its this summer, but how does he know we'll still be together, how does he know it's all gonna work out? I wish I could see things the way he does, Im just not sure about all this, I guess Im scared, if I move out there with him and we break up, Im fucked, I'll be in the middle of California with no house or anything and no money to come home. But if I dont go with him and he still wants to go when I graduate, I'll regret it because I might lose him. But he wants to move in together when I graduate whether I move there or he moves with me, he wants to be together. And its not that I dont want to be with him forever, its just...hes moving kinda fast, he doesnt know me well enough to love me yet, love takes time, and no matter how much I think I love him, I dont know for sure its love, theres still so much I dont know about him. I dunno. And he hates my friends and they hate him. I dont know anymore. But we talked for like an hour and a half! Since he's so busy he doesnt get to call me very often, so the phone calls I get mean like the world to me lol. I got him a rose for Valentine's Day and a teddy bear and I made him 2 cards lol, Im not sure how Im gonna get it to him yet tho lol. OMG! I said somethin about Eminem n he was like well if you love him so much and want to marry him, I'll cut my hair and dye it bleach blonde and get D12 tattoos and shit to keep you happy and I was like no0o0o baby I love you just the way you are, I may love Eminem but you are the only guy I want to be with, so dont change for me. It was so sweet that he was willing to do all that for me, I coulda cryed lol. And he was gonna kick Bruce's ass cuz I said Bruce ripped my froggie pants, he was like how n I said we were wrestling n I lost n hes like what?! I'll kill him n I was like why n he was like cuz he touched you n I was like so n hes like so I dont want him to lol. It was funny! And I said that Ryan wanted to see my boobs n he was like fuck no he cant see em, I havent seen em yet I dont even know if they are real and I was like they're real as far as I know n hes like one day Im gonna go for a hug n latch on to one of them like a baby lmao. I was laughin so hard n hes like I love to hear u laugh n I was like why n hes like cuz it means ur happy n I hate it when you are sad. It was so sweet! I was tryin to print out pics of me for him, but my printer hates me and ran outta colored ink =( Its depressing!

I kinda feel like Im deserting my friends, I havent talked to Sarah in awhile and I cant remember the last time me and Kimmie talked! I used to tell them everything and now its like I dont even know them anymore. I was lookin at my pics n I came across the ones of me and Kimmie, I miss those days, when we sat on my couch and talked for...4 hours? I dunno I just rilly miss them, I mean Sarah comes over sometimes, but Kimmie hasnt been here in forever, and Im not sayin its her fault cuz its not, we both just got lives...well she did, I didnt, I still sit at home and do nothin lol. But I do miss her and our long talks and the way I could tell her anything.

Well I gotta go, not that anyone is gonna read this anyway, but I gotta help Eric deliver papers fun fun, so I gotta get dressed and get ready to leave!

<33333333333333
Courtney

I x3 CJ!

DAMN

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:09:18 GMT

I cant fuckin wait til Im 18

woohoo

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 23:03:50 GMT

I havent updated this in over a month! Well I got a bf...thats about all thats happened lol

I love u Jess!! lol

<33333333
Courtney

I Love CJ!

Ready to fall...

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 21:01:28 GMT

*sigh* Today just all around sucked. I was like cryin at lunch, it was uber bad. I was wipin tears away when Amanda came over n then when Shane talked to me I was wipin tears away. But yah CJ sat with me so I guess it was okay. On the bus today me n him were holdin hands, I rilly like him, but he has stuff he needs to take care of before we can be together, I mean I understand n all, but whos to say by the time he gets all his shit sorted out he will still want me. And yesterday he had his arms around me and omg. I gotta get over him, I cant do this to myself...again. Its not worth it, I dont wanna get hurt. I mean yah I like him, but I dont wanna waste my time if theres never going to be anything more than there is now. I guess Im selfish but I hate gettin hurt. lol gah Im whineing over a guy likeing me or w/e how pathedic am I? omg

<3333333333
Courtney

...

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 00:15:00 GMT

I miss him =( gah

Skeletons...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 02:14:37 GMT

Gah everyone is leaving me!!! Eric is leaving the 17th and Bradley is leaving the 4th of April. I'll never see Dustin again cuz Eric isnt working with him anymore so he has no reason to come here. I hate growing up!!

Suzy and Micha (SP?) came over today and freakin woke me up! And they only stayed for like 5 mins. I was like omg wth! Oh well I had shit to do today.

I went to wal-mart and some hot guy was all beeping his horn at me, I was like wtf.

I was goin through my notes and I realized...Im a bitch. All those guys who asked me out and I just ignored, I feel so bad now. And then they just kept trying...gah I need to be less of a bitch to people.

OMG I think I like someone and I cant! Im not supposed to like him, hes taken and hes not my type. AHHHHHHHH!!! WHY?!?! I gotta rethink this thing...damnit

I might be gettin a fuckin job soon. I dont wanna...ever. Especially where I might be workin arg!

Aiight well Im out

<33333333333
Courtney

I lust for the things I cant seem to touch!

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 00:07:08 GMT

OMG I have nothing to write about!

I made a list of my cds...375! I have more, but Im not sure where. And I know Carly still has some, so actually its more like 400 lol. Geezz you can tell I have no life, who makes a list of their cds lol. CJ told me to but thats not the point lol.

Im eatin candy!! Woohoo go me!

<33333333333
Courtney

Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 00:57:17 GMT

Hmm..what shouod I write about

CJ keeps sittin with me on the bus! Its like omg dude. Today he sat with me and I was like "theres an empty seat right there" "yah" "wouldnt it be fun to sit alone" "nah". He was pokin me in the ribs n I fuckin hate that n I hit my boob, it hurt so bad lol. N I was like "the guy I like will be at my house tonight" "I wont be there" "damn I was so hopin *notes sarcasm*" He's such a loser, everyone is all like he likes you he sits basically on you on the bus. I dunno I dont know how to tell if a guy likes me...I dont pay attention and I think he has a gf anyways...w/e

Dustin wasnt at my house, he was supposed to be, but he didnt show up:(

Cant think of nething else...

<333333333333333333333
Courtney

Does it hurt when you think about me and how broken my heart is

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:35:44 GMT

OMG Dustin might be goin to Alaska with Eric! He can't I forbit it damnit lol. Not that I see him or talk to him anyways lol. But thats not the point man!

CJ was pokin my ribs today on the bus like Shaun did n I was like OMG dude. He fuckin poked my boob and I curled up in a lil ball. I did that when Shaun poked my boob too, maybe its like a sign or somethin...maybe my boobs are to big haha! Or maybe they r just so tempting that guys have to poke em, but make it seem like they are pokein my ribs...hmm...its a brainbuster man!

Ugh Im all stuffed up!! I think Im gettin sick...again! I was just sick like last week or the week before, fuckin school is makein me sick!! Damn sick bastards!

Holy shizzle man, I saw Dane today n I didnt even kno it was him, I was like who man he got his hair cut n now he looks different damn n I was just gettin to where I knew who he was in the halls, he's plottin against me too...evil evil ppl

"Even tho ur next to me I still feel so alone..."

hmm...not sure what quixotic is, but Im gonna pretend thats what mood Im in cuz the lil chicky looks nifty!!

<333333333333
Courtney

hah

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 22:39:54 GMT

Woohoo I fixed it, damn LJ

Shakin like a dog shittin razorbaldes...

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 22:37:52 GMT

*sigh* I thought it was all getting better. But it seems like now that school has started and all, its all worse. I mean, its like nothing has changed. I just want to scream! I hate hiding from everyone. I cant talk to my best friends cuz most of em never see this side of me and I never see the other ones anymore...not that Id open up to them, especially since I dont even know whats botherin me. I wanna get wasted or stoned off my ass, so I can just forget it all...

Gah damn LJ messed up my layout, and I cant figure out how to fix it!! UGH!

<333333333333333
Courtney

Your Dirty Lil Secret...

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 00:07:21 GMT

Blah well nothin rilly happenin here. But I needed to update this cuz its boring lol.

Senior pics were taken like yesterday. Kimmie's mom will be pleased to know that I got my pic taken in the drape. I dont understand why it matters so much to her I mean if she hates me so much...w/e.

Ordered my senior stuff today. fun fun huh?

"I lust for the things I cant seem to touch" seems to fit me huh? Gah why do I always go for the guys that are wayyy outta my league?! When I got my senior pics taken, Amber and Amber said that I should have all the guys after me, but I dont. Why cant I just get one? I mean I dont wanna guy just to have one...I just wanna feel wanted...needed, I guess.

Hmm...nothin else rilly goin on...

<3333333
Courtney

Weekend

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 02:28:46 GMT

Got back from Kimmie's like a few hours ago. We went to her family reunion thingy, it was fun. The first night was kinda dull cuz I was sleepy n nothin excitin rilly happened...when I walked in Kent and Shane said that pets were supposed to stay outside tho lol. They are losers.

The next night...hmm...*thinks*...I told Shaun I had a restraining order against him n he was like "I got some restraints" loser. Then he took Yanni's seat in the kitchen and she came back out and was like get outta my seat n he did n was like I'll just sit with my lil buddy here n he sat on my damn lap! I was like "omg dude u smell like beer...damn your ass is boney" n then he was like "Well Ive been drinkin beer" n everyone who walked in the door he moved his head n was like, "I found my lil buddy" n he sat there for a lil while n then Shane saw him on my lap n sat on his lap n I was like "dude! your as hurts" and Shane was like "Wiggle that ass Shaun" n Shane wiggled which caused Shaun to wiggle lmao. Then Shaun tryed to get me down in the basement cuz I was in front of the door and he leaned back n I grabbed around his neck n I think he fell off my lap or somethin but he got up lol. Then he went outside and me n Kimmie went out to the fire and Shaun followed me n Bev was like "Look behind ya Courtney" n I turned around n screamed n Shaun put his arm around me n laughed.

Today...I was sittin in the grass with Kimmie n Patricia and they were talkin n since me n Patricia arent friends or w/e I didnt join them. Well Shaun and Shane and Judy kept starein at me cuz it freaks me out. Then Kimmie and Patricia went in the house to get food and Shaun came over and put his arm around me n was like "You looked lonely...ya need a friend" n I was like "not lonely...dont need ne friends go away." N when Kimmie came back out he went back over with the other guys. Then a few minutes later, Kent sat on my left and Shane sat on my right and David sat in front of me n Shaun sat behind me with his arms crossed across my back where my shoulders are, n Shane was like "Your lil miss popular today" and Kent was like "o0o0o she doesnt like closed in places...sit closer!!" so they all did. And then Kent said they were gonna put me in a tree and Shaun was like you wanna n Kent said sure so Kent grabbed my feet and Shaun grabbed my hands and they started walkin down the hill n I was wigglin n Kent stopped n was like "Dont wiggle! Stop wiggling damnit!" n I got my hand out of Shauns and I half fell n Kent was like aiight lets let her go n Shaun let go n so did Kent n I smacked Shaun n called him an asshole n he grabbed me n picked me up n was like fine I'll carry ya myself. Then Kent, Jimmy and Shane were throwin apples at Jeremy and Dane and some other guys and one hit me n Kent told me to give it to him but I threw it at Jimmy cuz I was in like mid-throw when Kent asked for it n I was like oo sorry n hes like it ok i got another one. Then Judy got pissed and threatened em so they stopped throwin apples towards the cars. Then me n Kimmie n Patricia went to Shaun's house and hung out for a few mins. And when we got back Judy, Kent, Jimmy, Yanni and Jeremy had left to go home. I sat in the grass by Kimmie who was in a chair. I saw a cricket and about died. Then Shaun came after me and I ended up up by the tree. Well Shane and Shaun came runnin after me and Shaun sat on me while Shane went to get a chain. Shane tryed to tie my feet to the tree, but I got my foot outta the chain so he went to get rope. He tied my feet together and Dane tied my hands together n I was tryin to get out from under Shaun who was still sittin on me lol. I slapped Shaun by accident n he was all o0o0o0o n then he shoved grass in my face. After they got my hands and feet tied together, Shane carried me in the house and almost killed me cuz he almost hit my head off the door frame. Well I got my hands n feet free and then sat in a chair n Shaun sat beside me, n a few mins later he left. Then me n Kimmie were playin with a quarter up on the road and Shane came over and was like here try with this and he threw a cricket at me and then Chad threw one at me, I was almost in tears! Well then me n Kimmie went to the back porch n were tryin to talk and Dane and Chad kept throwin shit at me! So we went for a walk. When we got back we sat in the kitchen n then when we were goin to her car, Shane was on the road n I called him an asshole or somethin n hes like y am I an asshole n I was like cuz u almost made me cry n hes like I did n I was like yah when u threw that cricket at me n hes like omg I didnt mean to make you cry n gave me a hug.

But dispite all the pickin on me, I had fun! I figure Kimmie will write about some of the stuff Kent n them did, my entry is kinda on the long ass side tho haha

OMG!! Dustin added me to MSN!! AHHHHHHHHH!! I havent talked to him yet tho...

<3333333
Courtney

=D

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 01:21:43 GMT

*screams* AHHHH he just left holy shit hes hot!! OMG! I didnt talk to him tho.

I FUCKIN HATE MY FATHER!!! I HOPE HE DIES! HES A FUCKIN ASSHOLE! OMG I HATE HIM!!! I'll be so glad when I turn 18 n I can move the fuck out! I now know why Eric wants to move to Alaska n I support it! Id fuckin move there to if I could get away from that fucker ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

<3333
Courtney

sigh

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 03:28:58 GMT

Whoa havent updated this is forever and a day haha! Anyways nothin exciting happenin rilly. Went back to skool on the 25th, it sucked! I hate that place so much! And the people in it omg they piss me off so bad!

Oh yah! I have a new crush!! Woohoo go me! haha! His name is Dustin, he works with Eric and OMG! hes friggin hot! Bruce is supposed to tell him on Tuesday that I like him since thats when they have to work again. Hopefully that goes over good!! Id die if he said he liked me too, Id completely and totally die. Only downside is if he says Im not hot or w/e, hes at my house every morning and every night to drop Eric off so Id have to see him...eh oh well, Ive dealt with worse I guess haha

OMG! Eric is thinkin about goin to Alaska!! I hope he chnages his mind! I mean yah I want him to expiernce new things and get outta here, but I'll miss him so much! Call me selfish but hes my brother and I'll miss him! I mean Ive seen him almost everyday for the past 17 years and if he goes, I'll see him like once a year if that! I'll definately miss him!

hmm...What else is there to say...hmmm...well I cant think of anything rilly, so Im gonna catch some zzz's

<33333333
Courtney

Stupidity..

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 06:26:37 GMT

Well this isnt good. I found out my friend likes one of my other friends. Well I was bein nice n I told him that she liked him n now its all awkward for everyone. But she told me to tell him! Now I feel all bad. She's a great friend and now I ave to tell her he doesnt like her that way. See Im just the bad news person! Its terrible lol

Another stupid thing for tonght that I did. Well my s/n was -x-I <3 *****-x- and Dane asked who ***** was and the he guessed Shaun and I said no. Well then we were talking and he asked me who ***** was and said that he was gonna kill em, so I saod we would pretend it was Shaun and now he's gonna tell Shaun that I love him and I dont and omg this is so not good. Shaun is like so much older than me, Id rather have like someone not him lol. I just wanted Dane to drop it, I dont want Shaun to think I like him. Me n my big mouth!! ugh

I cleaned my house all day!! Its like whoa now. If anyone messes it up Ima be uber pissed off! Mom was all omg a clean house Eric must have cleaned. N I was like Erics not even home. Ugh damn woman n then shes all huggin me n shit n sayin she loves me n I was like o yah u love me now, but everytime I stay home its Courtney u didnt clean...omg I was pissed, I coulda cryed lol.

<3
Courtney

Ugh...

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 08:35:20 GMT

Today (well yesterday now) was the worst day ever! Im tell ya. Ok, I woke up at 3pm and watched Tv until mom n everyone else left. Then I made food n went back downstairs...then about an hour later Bruce and Eric come home n Bruce shows me some stuff on guitar until about 10. Sound not so bad so far eh? Well after Bruce left, I layed on the couch and all of a sudden I got uber hot n started to feel rilly sick. So I went to the bathroom and puked a few times. Turns out I was all over heated, Im in the air conditioning now, so I feel a lot better. And now to top all the shit off Im all depressed and I dont know why. I was just sitting here, and I started crying outta nowhere. Gah I hope I dont wake Katrinna. This is bullshit, I hate being like this, but I dont wanna go back to therapy! Im thinkin about jus endin it tonight. I mean seriously what difference would it make? The thrill of life is gone, it left a long time ago. I dunno..ugh I hate me!!!!

But on the upside, Bruce taught me to play the begining of a SOAD song, a nifty lil riff that Nick made up we think and a few power chords. Eh, I dunno I think I kinda wanna play bass instead of guitar, just seems easier. Oh well I'll get it eventually. Next time he comes over, he's supposed to bring his bass and me him n Eric r supposed to learn a song together so we can play. Lmao it takes me to damn long to get my fingers in position, damn power chords, my lil fingers dont stretch that way!!

Im outtie

<3
Courtney

Weekend

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 03:54:37 GMT

I spent the weekend at Kimmie's house. It was fun!! Well anyways her cousin Shaun and aunt Judy were scarein me! It wasnt cool. At first they weren't talkin to me and I was okay with that lol. Then I dont remember how but they were talking about killing me and all. Then they said to go up to the road and see if we could find the swamp swauger. Katie made me go with em. Well we were walkin down the road towards Bev's house (Shane n Shauns mom) and we got to Terry's house and CJ (the dog) barked n Kimmie jumped n grabbed me and Katie's hands, funny as fuck! N then we were walkin back n Mike and Shaun jumped outta the grass and I screamed n like ran into Kimmie. Then when we were standin in a lil circle talkin I kept backin away from Shaun n hes like y do u keep backin up n I was like cuz ur mean n scary n hes like Im not scary n then I dont remember what happened but I ended up in his arms n he was carrying me to the barn so I grabbed Kimmie's hands n Katie grabbed my feet. N Shaun was puttin me down in the middle of the road n Katie like dropped my feet n I fell over n I was on the ground like whoosh lol. Then we went back to the house n Shaun sat beside me n was sayin he was gonna take me to the attic. He picked me up a few times in the house n was takin me to the stairs n I was screamin n shit. The one time he was takin me towards the door he had my legs like against my chest n i wrapped my one arm around his neck n started scratchin his neck n I dont know where my other hand was but aparently it was on his face near his eye. And when he put me down Judy asked if I made him bleed or somethin n hes like I dunno n he rubbed the back of his neck n was like no...you didnt try hard enough! Anyway then he put me down. I swear I flashed that family a million times, everytime he put me down my shirt was up lmao, he planned it haha!! And one time I was sittin in the chair n Judy reached over Kimmie's shoulder n I jumped n Shaun grabbed me n pulled me onto his lap. Well my cahir flipped n I got off his lap n went to sit n I didnt make it I was on da floor. Shaun had a sword after me a couple times. Then he was sittin across me cuz Dane n Jeremy sat beside me n he kept sayin ur mine n stuff like that. N Judy said I was annoyin that they were gonna kill me n Im like I'll shut up n I put my hands over my mouth n a few minutes later Shaun was like u have such a pretty voice talk...come on...just talk...TALK DAMNIT! So I eventually talked again. N then he grabbed ahold of my head n was like Pretty girl I wont hurt you n he kept strokeing my hair. It was tramatizing! Then I hit my head on the cabinet n Shaun was like this is eay shes kickin her own ass n then I hit my shoulder n JR was like ok this has lost my interest n Judy said somethin about me bestin myself up. Then someone said somethin funny n Shaun was like that was funny...laugh...laugh! So I kinda giggled a lil n he about died. Everyone busted out laughin. N he kept lookin at me n I was like go to the doorway or living room n hes like ok, but your comeing with me!

It's all a blur so I dont remember nething else...maybe I'll remember more later but I cant right now haha

<3
Courtney